Children, Mom’s, and Transition
So, here I am a mom once again facing a time of transition with one of my children. My thirteen-year-old, eighth grader is staring at high school eyeball to eyeball with excitement and readiness. Then there’s me, on the struggle bus, trying to wrap my brain around how did we get here. Isn’t it funny how it seems at times parents can feel one way and our children can feel completely opposite about the same thing? She is full of light and eager to remind me of just how many short years are left before she can drive and do other things. Meanwhile I long for the days when the biggest concern was what color JoJo bow, we were putting in her hair and where we were going on our play date with friends. It doesn’t help that my girls are 23 months apart it always feels like things are happening back-to-back and my momma heart is constantly trying to recover from the loss of phases that are closing out in their lives. The picture above is a perfect example of how children feel about transition versus how we as mom’s feel about it. My youngest Reagan was getting ready to go through their fifth-grade graduation parade (because of course COVID snatched any form of a ceremony from us). I am balling my eyes out because I realize I will not have another kid in elementary school, the opportunities to volunteer drop in middle school by the way, and I won’t get to see the awesome teachers that I had come to know and love on a regular basis anymore. Then there’s Reagan, the kid that says she needs to finish up high school so she can get started on her plans for college and graduate school. As you can see living her best life getting ready to give the peace out sign to elementary for good, not an ounce of reservation in her body.
It’s always so interesting to me to watch kids contend for independence and the next phase, when we as mom’s change so much of our lives so that our children can depend on us and to support them. Have you ever watched a baby squirm to get out of their mom’s arms, and crawl away to do anything but be held by mommy? Better yet, a toddler that learns to say no and is figuring out how to exert their will that is almost always opposite of what their mom is trying to get them to do. It is their goal at a very early age to be independent and to transition. So how do we deal with the transition and life changes of our children in a healthy manner?
1. We accept it.
We have to accept it and realize transitioning is a part of life. We have to allow our roles to evolve as are children are growing up and not hold on so tightly to how things were when they were smaller and needed us more. When we resist inevitable change, we miss out on the moment, so we have to embrace the new phase of life that our children are in as well as the place that it brings us to.
2. We support them and be present.
We try as best as possible to be present in the current moment and understand that although it may be tugging on our heart strings it truly is an exciting time for our children. We have to evolve and see what are the current needs of our children and in what ways does our role as a mom evolve in a healthy manner? We can’t be stuck in the past and we must be engaged to actively parent our children. If we are stuck in the past or trying to force things to remain the same, we will not only miss the present, but we may breed resentment towards us from our children by mistakenly conveying the message that we don’t think they are ready for the next step because of our own fear and unresolved issues.
3. Grieve if necessary
This may sound way too deep for some, but yes grieve the loss of that phase of parenting if you need to. Way too often people try to push through and never talk about the feelings they have regarding their children growing up and leaving some things behind forever. There are some activities and people that are relative to the stage of life your child is currently in that when it is over you may rarely interact with or experience again. Some may feel sadness over this and that is normal. If we have to take a moment at each transition and sit with it and embrace the lost for a moment it is a healthy thing to do. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that aspects of that time of life will be missed. It’s healthy for entering into the next phase of life alongside your child being fully present.
