Children, Mom’s, and Transition

So, here I am a mom once again facing a time of transition with one of my children. My thirteen-year-old, eighth grader is staring at high school eyeball to eyeball with excitement and readiness. Then there’s me, on the struggle bus, trying to wrap my brain around how did we get here.  Isn’t it funny how it seems at times parents can feel one way and our children can feel completely opposite about the same thing? She is full of light and eager to remind me of just how many short years are left before she can drive and do other things. Meanwhile I long for the days when the biggest concern was what color JoJo bow, we were putting in her hair and where we were going on our play date with friends. It doesn’t help that my girls are 23 months apart it always feels like things are happening back-to-back and my momma heart is constantly trying to recover from the loss of phases that are closing out in their lives. The picture above is a perfect example of how children feel about transition versus how we as mom’s feel about it. My youngest Reagan was getting ready to go through their fifth-grade graduation parade (because of course COVID snatched any form of a ceremony from us). I am balling my eyes out because I realize I will not have another kid in elementary school, the opportunities to volunteer drop in middle school by the way, and I won’t get to see the awesome teachers that I had come to know and love on a regular basis anymore. Then there’s Reagan, the kid that says she needs to finish up high school so she can get started on her plans for college and graduate school. As you can see living her best life getting ready to give the peace out sign to elementary for good, not an ounce of reservation in her body.

 It’s always so interesting to me to watch kids contend for independence and the next phase, when we as mom’s change so much of our lives so that our children can depend on us and to support them. Have you ever watched a baby squirm to get out of their mom’s arms, and crawl away to do anything but be held by mommy? Better yet, a toddler that learns to say no and is figuring out how to exert their will that is almost always opposite of what their mom is trying to get them to do. It is their goal at a very early age to be independent and to transition. So how do we deal with the transition and life changes of our children in a healthy manner?

1.     We accept it. 

We have to accept it and realize transitioning is a part of life. We have to allow our roles to evolve as are children are growing up and not hold on so tightly to how things were when they were smaller and needed us more. When we resist inevitable change, we miss out on the moment, so we have to embrace the new phase of life that our children are in as well as the place that it brings us to. 

2.     We support them and be present.

We try as best as possible to be present in the current moment and understand that although it may be tugging on our heart strings it truly is an exciting time for our children. We have to evolve and see what are the current needs of our children and in what ways does our role as a mom evolve in a healthy manner? We can’t be stuck in the past and we must be engaged to actively parent our children. If we are stuck in the past or trying to force things to remain the same, we will not only miss the present, but we may breed resentment towards us from our children by mistakenly conveying the message that we don’t think they are ready for the next step because of our own fear and unresolved issues. 

3.     Grieve if necessary

This may sound way too deep for some, but yes grieve the loss of that phase of parenting if you need to. Way too often people try to push through and never talk about the feelings they have regarding their children growing up and leaving some things behind forever. There are some activities and people that are relative to the stage of life your child is currently in that when it is over you may rarely interact with or experience again. Some may feel sadness over this and that is normal. If we have to take a moment at each transition and sit with it and embrace the lost for a moment it is a healthy thing to do. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that aspects of that time of life will be missed. It’s healthy for entering into the next phase of life alongside your child being fully present.  

Helping Your Teen Survive COVID Burnout

The hit of COVID19 has changed the world. We no longer go about life as usual and practically everything has changed. Teenagers are no longer going to school regularly but have been forced to go to school virtually or a hybrid schedule. If they are going face to face, they have to social distance or wear masks. Their typical school routine is anything but normal. The way that they go about their extracurricular activities has severely been altered. Let’s not leave out one of the most important aspects of life for most teens, socializing. Socialize goes against the biggest part of this pandemic “ SOCIAL DISTANCING”. The impact of these changes are hitting teens hard in the area of the mental health and well-being.  While we may be focusing on so many other issues that this pandemic, we can easily miss the changes that are going on with teens and not be providing them with the support they need.

1.     Get them out of the room!

Generally, we think it is a normal thing that teens want to stay in their rooms. The issue now is with the decrease of socializing that some of them are getting due to virtual school or hybrid schedule the isolation in their room can be problematic. Isolation can be a symptom of depression that we can easily miss because teens tend to withdraw to their room. As parents go in their rooms and talk to them. Invite them on a walk with you around the neighborhood or a ride to the grocery store. Some teens are spending most of the day in their rooms on a laptop or tablet doing virtual school, perhaps consider setting up a workspace for them somewhere else in the home so they at least get a change of scenery during the day.

2.     Plan Social Distance Activities with their Peer System

After several months of the pandemic, I realized that one of my daughters was struggling with not being able to see friends and socialize. She was facetiming and setting up zooms with her friend group but still was struggling. I decided to call her best friend’s mom and set up a lunch meet up in a parking lot. We grabbed lunch and parked our cars across from each other, let up our hatches, and sat in the back of our SUV’s. The girls laughed, talked, and had fun. It was simple, didn’t cost us much, and it didn’t require a lot of planning. Invite your teens friends to your yard and have your teen sit on the porch, talk to them about “something is better than nothing”. In sessions with teens, I hear that they are frustrated with social distancing and they want to go back to normal, but I often explain to them that doing something on some level is better than not at all. 

3.     Normalize that this is uncomfortable.

Teens can be very present focused and not always aware that everyone in the world is adjusting to living during a pandemic. They often present as being concerned about their bubble and forget that we all are shifting and bending to live in this world currently. Share with your teen some of your struggles that you have gone through with possibly having to work from home, not being able to socialize as normal, and your desires to get back to normal everyday living. Share with them some of the ways that you have found work for you in coping with change. Talk to them and explore with them ways that you support them in coping with being home a lot more or having to do school virtually.  Explain that you understand concern or frustrations they may have about things not being how they were in the past. Normalize that those feelings are appropriate responses to all of the change, but we must have healthy coping skills to manage feelings.

4.     Talk about loss that they may have endured or will have due to COVID19.

There are so many losses that COVID19 has brought outside of the loss of life from the virus. Some freshmen lost the excitement of having the first day of high school, roaming the halls, getting lost, and discovering all that high school has to offer. Some of our teenagers will experience the loss of prom. If they were a junior last year, they may have missed out on prom for the first time and will more than likely not experience it as a senior this year. What is your plan to help support your teenager who will never go to prom? Some athletes are experiencing stress over their athletic season not looking how it normally does due to cancellations of games, and colleges offering less scholarships because they are holding over athletes who normally would be graduating but get to play for another year because of how COVID impacted college sports. It is a loss of potential memories made and something that they may have worked so hard for. How have you talked to your senior whose senior year is anything but what we all dreamed about as a high school senior. Some are going virtual on their senior year, have you tried to imagine how they feel or think about school right now? It is a loss, for them, and even though they seem okay, it is work talking to them to explore how they are handling it. Feelings do not go away when we practice avoidance with our children but can evolve into other issues if not addressed in a healthy way with them.

5.     Pay attention to and be aware of changes in behavior with your teenager.

It is often said that behavior is a symptom. Often times the changes in the behavior of our teenagers can be frustrating and times downright exhausting. However, we should not dismiss any sudden or gradual changes that we notice. Parents often punish teenagers for acting out or having a change in behavior. Here is the thing that parents must remember is if a change is not the norm for their teen, slow it down, and explore with them what they are feeling, thinking, or experiencing. Sometimes the behavior has everything to do with anxiousness, a fear, or unrelated incident. During this pandemic symptoms of anxiousness can easily be triggered just by turning on the television